It had been quite windy yesterday. On the small stoop in front of our house lay torn branches, dry leaves, a plastic bag, and some loose debris. It was early in the morning and not yet very warm. I had grabbed the broom and was sweeping when two people in their twenties walked past, and I caught a snippet of their conversation. “… so hard for my grandmother, and I had brought her a bouquet of flowers.”
The other person said, “that's kind of you”.
To which the first continued “….well, she wasn't exactly happy about it. She said “but these are supermarket flowers! …. and then she put the bouquet in the sink without water….”
I paused sweeping for a moment and watched the two of them as they walked on. Their sneakers made no sound on the street's cobblestones, and they continued silently, arms wrapped around each other.
My first thought was that I sympathized with the grandson whose kind gesture to his grandmother was not appreciated. I also realized that what could have been a cherished moment for both of them turned out very differently due to the grandmother's reaction.
And I understood where the core issue lay. Not in the grandson's action. It was in the grandmother's reaction.
Stress behavior always has a good reason for the individual, which is predictable if you understand the system.
Stress behavior (if you know what to look for :-) tells us a lot about, among other things, character traits, dominant perception and needs, and even about how the other person prefers to be approached.
Grandma's focus on that one thing that wasn't quite right, regrettable, or should have been different – in this case, that they were supermarket flowers – and the tone in which it was said (with the underlying message: agree with me, if you buy flowers, don't buy supermarket flowers), relates to the personality type within us that holds strong convictions and views the world through fixed values and norms.
From that perspective, you express your opinion, you are dedicated, observant, and conscientious, and you desire recognition. Recognition for all your dedication and for the opinions and conclusions based on those firm standards and values.
If a situation arises where someone does or says something that is not in line with one's held norms and values, then that person will be told. Because trust, norms, and values are at stake, and fear comes into play.
The underlying message is then along the lines of, 'You agree with me, don't you? Are you on my side? Can I trust you? Do I need to convince you?'
And this is expressed in phrases such as:
- “You do agree with me that….”
- “I assume you understand that …”
- “But these are flowers from the supermarket!”
- “Of course I finished it. That goes without saying, doesn't it?”
- “How can you still not realize that?”
All sentences in the setting 'I am OK and you are only OK if you are perfect for me and agree with me'.
In other words: I feel reassured again if you answer 'yes' or agree with me, because then I no longer have to wonder if I can trust you or the situation. This form of communication stems from mild stress behavior in terms of communication science.
And it's the first step towards more severe stress behavior if a satisfactory answer isn't found.
Then, predictably, comes the SERMON. This is the last resort to secure agreements, restore trust, and establish norms and values. Unfortunately, it is not effective in reaching the other person, let alone motivating them.
Because the moment we are confronted with stress behavior, there's a very high chance that our own dominant stress system will be triggered, and we will express ourselves from that place. Like the grandson who expressed his disappointment in a dejected tone and let his shoulders slump.
How do you reach and motivate each other; both privately and at work?
By aligning with what suits the other person and what they are able to hear.
What I notice in the coaching sessions and team trainings I give is that people tend to, in a situation like the grandson with his grandmother, switch into a 'never mind' mode, which stops communication and leaves the conversation unresolved. Or that people start to defend themselves when communicating from opinion or conviction. And the experience is that neither of these approaches works, but people don't know what does work to get back into a pleasant conversation.
In the PCM trainings that my colleagues and I provide worldwide, we offer insights, knowledge, and practical tools to understand and tackle stress behavior and miscommunication — both in yourself and in others.
The tip I'll give you right away, if you find yourself in a situation where opinions are being imposed: ask the other person a question, genuinely indicating that you want to understand why something is important to them. Or what the underlying reason is for their specific emphasis on something. If possible, appreciate the other person for the loyalty and commitment they have shown.
This is how you invite others to move past stress and become receptive to your perspective and needs. It might seem like a small detour, but it's precisely what helps foster better collaboration and more enjoyable conversations.
How would the conversation have continued if the grandson had replied, “Yes, that's right, Grandma. Would you have preferred different flowers?”
What if Grandma had said, “Thank you for taking the trouble to bring me something. How thoughtful of you.” It's quite possible she would have seen a big smile on her grandson's face and two loving eyes looking back at her.
