Stress is a peculiar thing. In the best-case scenario, it keeps us alert and helps us perform well. But in some cases, it suddenly makes us no longer responsible for our own behavior and emotions. The people we are talking about here like to blame everyone and everything for what goes wrong. But they don't look in the mirror. They resort to whining and complaining about how difficult and boring everything is, and they have excuses for everything. It's always someone else's fault that they are in trouble.
A practical example: Marion
As a marketing employee, Marion is responsible for the creative and skillful marketing communications of an international production organization. Those who know her personally would describe her as enthusiastic, cheerful, and knowledgeable, with a great sense of humor. At work, however, the perception is different. Colleagues describe her not as fun, but rather as negative and complaining. She is seen by many as an unpleasant colleague, someone who really needs to take a good look at herself. “When we ask Marion a question, it is almost always followed by a ‘Yes, but…’. She becomes defensive and immediately points the finger at others,” says her manager.
Emotional Discomfort
People like Marion need positive contact. They enjoy lively and cheerful interactions with plenty of humor and activity. These individuals are naturally spontaneous, creative, and playful, and they dislike the emotional discomfort that comes with personal responsibility. That's why they readily blame others. They whine and become vengeful to avoid this discomfort. Ultimately, this often leads to a power struggle over responsibility. And in this 'is-too, is-not' game, there are no winners.
Their behavior is counterproductive: it leads others to try to exert more control over them and restrict them. In extreme cases, the work of these 'culprits' is limited, or they are dismissed. And that, of course, is precisely the opposite of what they need.
How to Handle Responsibility Avoidance
Individuals who recognize themselves in this behavior would do well to realize that creativity and humor can also be used to solve problems, rather than avoiding them. When things get difficult or you feel uncomfortable about something you've done, it's good to feel it, accept it, and process it. Eventually, you'll be glad you did. Also know: it's OK to express yourself, as long as it doesn't turn into complaining and avoidance. Try to put a proverbial 'sound dampener' on your negative reactions. You can satisfy your need for contact by incorporating plenty of fun and activity into your life. Think of games, sports, or spending time with friends. This will give you energy for the things that aren't as enjoyable.
Communication tips
First of all, it is important to know that the 'accusers' do not care whether they suffer, as long as others suffer too. They are more than willing to let others go down with the ship. Threats, sanctions, and punishments are therefore ineffective, because if he or she does not care, then only the punisher suffers.
Keep it light, even when discussing serious topics.
Try to use jargon or less formal language.
It is wise to avoid lecturing and discussing expectations, values, morals, or ethics. This comes across to them as judgmental and condescending.
Try to avoid emotional appeals.
Keep it short and powerful.
Remember: movement is key. If possible, stand up, conduct the conversation in an active way, or use a game to get things done.
Good luck!
Inspired by Nate Regier's blog / https://www.next-element.com/
