We would be the last to say that we never make mistakes; everyone does at some point. However, during times of stress, this happens more often than usual. (Silly) mistakes are made that would not have happened with a little more time for reflection. Mistakes can lead to criticism and rejection; and that makes people doubt their abilities. Some can easily shrug this off, but others can be deeply affected by it. As a result, some begin to believe they are not worthy, and this seeps into their behavior. They constantly put themselves down and worry about what bad things will happen to them next. In short: they expect to always be hurt and rejected again. As a result, they avoid making decisions, or they make poor decisions that attract negative attention.
Case Study: Joyce
Joyce has been unhappy in her marriage for years. Her husband is an alcoholic, and due to his addiction, they lost their home years ago. Moreover, their children left home at a young age. Friends and family keep their distance, leaving Joyce largely on her own. Joyce herself is attentive, caring, and kind to everyone. Yet, she is often alone and feels unloved. People around her try to help by convincing her to leave the relationship and prioritize herself. However, Joyce continuously adapts within her marriage, putting her own needs aside. She is full of doubt and doesn't want to hurt anyone. She tries various ways to remain friends with those around her, often making awkward remarks. She feels as though people are turning against her. Whenever she is on the verge of making a decision, she retreats due to her insecurity, causing those in her environment to no longer support her.
The background of people with low self-esteem
People who make 'silly' mistakes and lose self-confidence often doubt their self-worth and likeability. What they truly need is positive recognition for who they are as individuals and to know that they are unconditionally loved. They thrive in close relationships and seek community and support. These individuals are naturally compassionate, sensitive, and warm. They strive for harmony and positive emotional experiences. When their boundaries are crossed or when negative events occur, they face a dilemma. They feel angry about how they've been treated, but they don't speak up, simply to maintain peace. They suppress their anger, fearing that expressing it will lead to rejection and disrupt the harmony in their relationships.
The danger is that internalized anger often turns into self-contempt and depression. Instead of asserting their boundaries and needs against those who have crossed a line, these individuals begin to believe they deserve the negative things that happen to them. Their behavior can become a self-fulfilling prophecy: a prediction that isn't entirely accurate but ultimately comes true because this erroneous expectation about the future has fueled new behavior. Only by assertively expressing authentic anger in close relationships can they function in a 'healthier' way.
Do you recognize yourself in this?
Remember: you are worthwhile and you are OK. It doesn't matter how others react to you. Your needs are just as important as anyone else's. It's OK to be angry, and it's OK to express that in a healthy way. It's a way to show that you value yourself and the people you care about. Surround yourself with people who love you, who care about you, and who are willing to confront you without rejecting you. Take care of your sensory needs: comfort that nurtures the senses is a great way to recharge your battery!
Tips for communicating with people who struggle with low self-esteem
Show you care about them with personal words of affirmation, empathy, and concern.
Ask personal questions about family, friendships, and feelings, and truly listen.
Let them know they are important to you as a person, regardless of what they say or how they act. No obligations.
And most importantly: treat their expression of anger with great care and respect. It is one of the most difficult things for them to do.
Inspired by Nate Regier's blog / https://www.next-element.com/
