How do you recognize miscommunication and what do you do about it?
Unnoticed, we lose a lot of energy due to miscommunication, along with all the accompanying frustration and stress. Why does he never see that I... How can it be that she hasn't yet... Often, noise on the line is the cause of this miscommunication. But seeing and acknowledging that noise is quite difficult in practice. And once you've reached that point: how do you reconnect with the other person? The question then also is: how important is that really to you?
“He just doesn't listen.”
Recently on the train, I encountered a common example of two people failing to connect. A conversation between two colleagues. “He just doesn't listen… If he's only half-heard me, I can't function as a management consultant. And then he expects me to do it exactly as he wants. (…) And he simply underestimates his people enormously. The way he communicates, it's just not right. I find it so frustrating!”
How we say something determines whether the other person hears what you have to say. Apparently, things are not going well between this consultant and her manager. It's a shame, because they both want to do their work well.
What to do?
I would be happy to tell you how to recognize the signs of miscommunication and how to convert them into four steps to (re)connect with each other. Whether that other person is a direct colleague, manager, client, or your own partner.
Step 1: Recognize and acknowledge noise
The first step is to recognize and acknowledge when communication is breaking down, not just with the other person, but also within yourself. There are five signals for this: words, tone, gestures, body posture, and facial expression. Take a moment to observe what happens with the other person and with yourself. Yes, you might be talking to each other, but is there truly clear contact? That other person doesn't just raise an eyebrow for no reason, for example. The good news is that our behavior under pressure is very recognizable and predictable.
Step 2: Determine the value of the relationship
How important do you find it to invest in communication with that person? What are you willing to do? If you value a relationship more, you are more likely to make an effort to connect with each other. And to find out where the misunderstanding comes from. An argument with that rude waiter is probably less important to you than issues with a colleague or partner with whom you spend a lot of time.
Step 3: Find the user manual
Look at what connects you and use that to restore contact. Because miscommunication doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is permanently damaged. Don't react to each other's 'mask'; that only amplifies the miscommunication. Focus on the person behind it and ask yourself what they are actually asking of you. We all tend to ask for what we need in a negative way if we don't get it positively.
Step 4: Speak each other's language
Ready to resolve that miscommunication? The best way to start is by using each other's preferred communication style. Our preferred style comes from our perceptions – how we view and experience the world. For example, one person might prioritize logic, while another values emotion. Misunderstandings often begin because we don't realize we're not speaking the same 'language.' One person might appreciate a personal touch, while another prefers to get straight to the point. When you understand this about others, you can adapt your approach and eliminate communication barriers.
Restoring clear communication
Let's go back to the woman on the train. I understand her manager is seeking recognition for his work in a negative way: he wants things done exactly as he instructs, believing that's the only way to ensure they're done correctly. Recognizing and acknowledging this psychological need is a powerful way to clarify communication. She can achieve this by confirming his point is clear (when it is), summarizing his requests, and then asking about his priorities. Following that, she can explain what is important to her. This approach will help them reconnect.
Easy? No, certainly not. Because if someone tells you what to do, your first inclination might be: no way, forget it! But that certainly won't help you progress. So ask yourself: how important is this relationship to me? How much am I bothered by the current situation, and what do I want to achieve? And even more importantly: what am I willing to do for this? Meanwhile, also look at yourself. Is your own communication clear? Is your own 'user manual' known to the other person? Does the other person understand how you experience their communication style?
And I would like to invite the management consultant to discuss this with your manager. Clearly state what you need. Then, you can enjoy more pleasant conversations with your colleague on the train.
Curious how you can recognize miscommunication in yourself and others? The Process Communication Model offers concrete tools to transform communication noise back into effective communication. Take the Recognize Your Stress Test
Edith Doosje is a PCM Master Trainer and co-founder of Process Communication Netherlands
