The problem
Under stress, some individuals become overly critical of others' work and results. They develop an obsession with time, neatness, order, and honesty, becoming frustrated as they attempt to control everyone and everything. Consequently, others prefer to keep their distance. These individuals often fail to realize that they are the ones pushing others away. While they might achieve compliance from their fearful, insecure employees and colleagues, they absolutely do NOT foster engagement.
Practical example: mother, son, and homework
It's the final year of secondary school. After two years of COVID, a teenager is completely fed up with school and has no desire to study. He complains, starts studying late, and prefers to do fun things like meeting friends, playing sports, and chilling out. His mother knows he agreed with his mentor to plan better so he would do everything to pass his exams. She notices he still starts studying too late, resulting in failing grades. Daily, she asks him multiple times a day about his schedule. When he doesn't keep his agreements, she criticizes his attitude and behavior. She wants to help but feels powerless, not understanding why he doesn't keep his agreements or realize the importance of starting to study on time. The result of her well-intentioned behavior? The boy feels unaccepted and exhibits even more 'rebellious' behavior. His mother doesn't understand what to do to reach her son. She feels powerless, is sad, and once again projects her frustration and sadness onto her son. She wants to help so badly, but her overcontrolling behavior has a negative effect. Her son now wants no help at all. She is encouraged to let go and learn to trust. And she may realize that being a sounding board helps and is often appreciated, but giving unsolicited advice and overcontrolling actually backfires.
The underlying story
Controlling individuals need positive recognition for their hard, productive work and valuable time. When they don't receive this positive recognition, they try to achieve it in a negative way, by criticizing the work and time management of others. What they don't realize is that people are generally not stupid or lazy. The real problem is that no one can control another person, or the events around them. The more you try, the more frustrated you become.
When you recognize your own behavior in this
The key for you is to accept that you have no control over anything other than your own behavior, attitude, and thoughts. Focus on doing your work well, sharing your ideas when you have permission, and supporting others. Be a sounding board, not a solution provider. Make sure you regularly take time off, so you don't fall victim to the belief that your clock, your to-do list, and the strategic plan dictate your life.
Did you know that people who are critical and aggressive towards others have a higher risk of heart problems? Research shows that individuals with higher levels of expressed hostility are more likely to experience a stroke or heart attack.
Communication Tips
· Regularly ask for their ideas and analyses. Be proactive; don't wait for them to dive in deep.
· Ask for their permission before taking their time, and schedule it when possible. Never intrude or demand that they drop everything for your emergency.
· Acknowledge their hard work, specifically stating what they have achieved and how it improved efficiency, productivity, or the progress of a goal.
· Provide them with all the information they need to do their work. Do not withhold information, as this is perceived as an insult to their intelligence and hinders their ability to plan.
· Stick to the facts. Avoid emotional small talk.
· If possible, inform them in advance of any changes to plans. They do not like surprises.
This article is part one in a series on how to communicate with people experiencing stress. You can view these articles as ‘six tips’ for staying healthy when others are behaving unusually. Read all six articles to discover why people act the way they do, and how you can make a positive difference through effective communication.
In my next blog: How to communicate with people who go on a crusade and impose their beliefs.
Inspired by Nate Regier / https://www.next-element.com/
